For engaged couples
Premarital Bible study for couples: 11 conversations to have before the wedding
The conversations engaged couples skip because the wedding is louder: faith, money, family, conflict, roles, children, intimacy and more. What Scripture says about each, and one question to ask tonight.
In the months before a wedding, a couple will spend more hours choosing between two shades of eucalyptus than talking about money. That is not a criticism; the wedding is loud, and it has deadlines. But the wedding lasts a day, and the marriage is meant to last a life, and the conversations that decide which kind of marriage you get are the ones that have no deadline and are easy to keep postponing.
Here are eleven of them, with what Scripture says about each, and one question to ask each other tonight. You do not have to do them in order. You do have to do them.
1. What you actually believe
Not “are you both Christians.” What you each believe about God, about prayer, about Sunday, about what happens when one of you has doubts. Two people can say the same creed and mean very different things by it, and the difference surfaces around year three.
Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so? Amos 3:3 (NIV)
Ask tonight: “What is one thing about your faith you have never told me because you thought I might not understand?”
2. How you will practise faith together
Church is a decision, not an assumption. Which one, how often, whose tradition, what happens when you move. Whether you will pray together and, honestly, whether that feels natural or excruciating. Who leads, and what “leads” means.
Unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Psalm 127:1 (NIV)
Ask tonight: “What would it look like, concretely, for God to be at the centre of our home on an ordinary Tuesday?”
3. Money, including the part you have not mentioned
Debt. Credit cards. Student loans. A parent you send money to. What you each think “too expensive” means. Whether accounts are joint, separate or both. Who pays the bills and who decides on anything over a certain amount. Money is among the most common sources of conflict in marriage and one of the least-discussed topics before it.
The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is slave to the lender. Proverbs 22:7 (NIV)
Ask tonight: “What do you owe, to whom, and how do you feel about it?” Then both of you answer.
4. The families you come from
You are not only marrying a person; you are marrying the patterns of a household. How did your parents fight? Did they? Who handled money, discipline, holidays? What do you want to repeat, and what have you sworn never to do? The things you have not examined are the ones you will reproduce.
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Genesis 2:24 (NIV)
Ask tonight: “What is one thing your parents did that you are afraid you will do too?”
5. How you fight, and how you make up
Every couple fights. The question is whether you fight in a way that can be recovered from. Do you go silent or go loud? Do you need space or need to resolve it now? What was said in your family that could never be unsaid? Agree on the rules before you need them.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)
Ask tonight: “When we have argued, what did I do that made it worse? Tell me honestly.”
6. Roles and expectations at home
Who cooks, cleans, plans, remembers birthdays, calls the plumber. Whether one of you expects the other to stay home with children, and whether the other knows that. What “helping” means, and whether it is the right word. Unspoken expectations are the ones that become resentments.
Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21 (NIV)
Whatever your convictions about the verses that follow this one, notice where the passage begins: with mutual submission, before any roles are named.
Ask tonight: “What do you assume I will do at home that we have never actually discussed?”
7. Children
Whether. When. How many. What if it does not happen easily; what you would be willing to try and what you would not. What if it happens sooner than planned. Discipline, schooling, faith formation. Whose parents get which holidays. This is a conversation, not a negotiation, and it needs to happen before the wedding, not after the first scare.
Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. Psalm 127:3 (NIV)
Ask tonight: “If we found out we could not have children, what do you think would happen to us?”
8. Sex and intimacy
Expectations, fears, history, and what each of you believes about intimacy and where those beliefs came from. If either of you carries a wound here, before the wedding is the time to say so, gently, and the time to get help if it is needed. Silence in this area does not protect the marriage; it starves it.
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure. Hebrews 13:4 (NIV)
Ask tonight: “What is one fear you have about this part of our marriage?” Listen without fixing.
9. Work, ambition and time
Whose career moves first. What happens if one of you is offered a job in another city. How many hours is too many. Whether ambition is something you admire in each other or something you are quietly bracing against. What Sabbath looks like in your home.
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV)
Ask tonight: “Where do you see yourself in ten years, and where am I in that picture?”
10. Forgiveness
You will hurt each other. That is not pessimism; it is arithmetic. The marriages that last are not the ones where nobody fails but the ones where failure is met with forgiveness, and where forgiveness is practised before it is desperately needed. Talk now about what you have each found hard to forgive in the past, and why.
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13 (NIV)
Ask tonight: “Is there anything between us right now, however small, that I have not properly apologised for?”
11. What your marriage is for
Beyond the two of you. Whom will your home be open to? What will you give, serve, build? A marriage that exists only for its own happiness tends to buckle under the weight of that expectation. A marriage with a purpose outside itself has somewhere to stand when the happiness is thin.
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NIV)
Ask tonight: “When we are seventy, what do we want people to say our home was known for?”
How to actually have these conversations. One a week, not all in one night. Somewhere neutral: a walk, a café, not the sofa where you argue. Each of you answers the question before either of you responds. And if a conversation goes somewhere hard, that is not a sign you should not marry; it is a sign the conversation was needed. Bring the hard ones to a pastor or a counsellor. That is what they are for.
Building on the rock
Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. Matthew 7:24-25 (NIV)
Note what Jesus does not say: that the wise builder’s house avoided the storm. The rain came, the streams rose, the winds blew. The difference was the foundation, and the foundation was laid before the weather turned. That is what these eleven conversations are. Not a guarantee of fair weather. A foundation.
A study built around these conversations
Preparing for a Christ-Centered Marriage is an eleven-session Bible study for women who are engaged, dating intentionally or dreaming of marriage. Written like a conversation with a wise older sister, it covers the heart, the relationship and the future together, with Scripture, honest questions and practical tools for each session. It works for personal study and for premarital small groups, and couples use it together, each answering the questions and comparing notes.
If the question underneath the wedding is really “am I enough for this?”, Daughter of the King is the study to do first. And if you are still unsure whether this is the right decision at all, She Knows Who Holds Tomorrow is a Bible study on knowing God’s will and making wise decisions when the future is uncertain.
Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
Frequently asked questions
What should Christian couples talk about before marriage?
At minimum: what each of you actually believes and how you will practise faith together; money, including debt and who decides; the families you come from and what you will repeat or refuse; how you fight and how you make up; roles and expectations at home; children; sex and intimacy; work and ambition; forgiveness; where you will live and worship; and what your marriage is for beyond the two of you. Most couples have talked about the wedding far more than about any of these.
Is premarital counseling biblical?
The Bible does not prescribe a counselling programme, but it repeatedly commends seeking wise counsel (Proverbs 15:22), building on a solid foundation before the storms come (Matthew 7:24-25), and agreeing on direction before walking together (Amos 3:3). A structured premarital study is one way of doing all three.
Can a premarital Bible study be done as a couple, or is it just for women?
Both. Preparing for a Christ-Centered Marriage is written in the voice of a wise older sister to the woman preparing for marriage, and many women work through it on their own or in a premarital small group. Couples also use it together, with each partner answering the questions and comparing notes; one man who used it wrote that it gave him the clarity and confidence he needed.
How long before the wedding should you start a premarital study?
Three to six months out is ideal: early enough that a hard conversation can be worked through calmly, late enough that the questions feel real. Eleven sessions at one a week fits comfortably inside that window.